Toward the Undifferentiated

I have become more and more aware of my reactions to sensings that I will describe as “not preferred” and how their varied intensity appears to alter what seems to be instinctive responses. These reactions are certainly automated, and though I was aware of most of them before, I had not seen them in such a way as to allow for this broader perspective of them until now.

There are some unnoticeable thresholds where what is sensed arises from subconscious to semi-conscious and then from semi-conscious to conscious. Those thresholds are many and certainly mutable. My sensitivity to what has been semi-conscious appears to be shifting in such a way that I am rapidly becoming consciously aware of things that I had not observed before. In the mildest cases they are still ignored, much like brushing your leg against tall grass when out for a walk. It’s there and sensed, but barely draws your attention so is easily dismissed. I am now starting to sense energetic experiences that rise just above thresholds like that, as well as my seemingly preprogrammed reactions.

Below are the varied reactions that I have recently noticed, or remember from the past, as the level of the experiential intensity of the un-preferred increases. I am listing the aspects that I will loosely call outflowing, as they evoke some action. The ones that appear more like an inflow, that cause some form of withdrawal, like resignation, despair, etc., I will not address here. I also want to make it clear that there are no specific borders between the layers as I have labeled them. Though fluid, like the ocean, there are differences in those experiential motions that are sensed by some faculty of the bodies (gross, subtle, causal) and witnessed by the Observer.

Noticed but deliberately ignored

Uneasiness

Acute wariness

Internal effort to suppress the incoming sensings

Internal suppression of associated thoughts

Irritation

Cynicism

Internal disparaging commentary

External expression of cynicism

External disparaging commentary

Anger

Rage

I did not include fear in this list, but it may be true that all of these are gradations of, and reactions to, fear in some form.

 

I am wondering if the sensing/reaction mechanism described above is an aspect of the fight or flight response, and its other unknown associated instinctual responses. This makes some sense to me, because it all seems so deeply embedded and automated. The rationalization process that our thoughts add to these experiences seem to hold the residue of the experience in place much longer than necessary. I imagine that the physical stimuli in a fight or flight encounter in the animal world would dissipate fairly rapidly compared to how long we seem to hold onto thoughts. These days, our thoughts are often the triggers of these un-preferred sensations, such as when we take offense at some comment. They are also reflected in the outward expressions of what gets triggered by the sensing of our body’s reactions. In these cases, the survival component seems to be primarily protective of our chosen identity and not any actual physical threat. What also seems evident to me, is that all of these reactions are attempts to avoid the un-preferred in all of its forms. In the case of a clear choice, or an automated one where a preferred option is dominant, none of this arises.

Now I will relay some thoughts that came to me while walking in the woods the other day that seem to be related. I’ll preface them by noting that in my last post I pointed out that shorter frequencies become visible when one experiences moving back into the longer ones. If as our Universe has evolved there has been more and more differentiation, as appears to be the case, then our past must have been less differentiated. Our solar system oscillates in the plane of the galaxy and I think that it would not be unreasonable to assume that our star did the same before the Earth was formed – but certainly way before there was life on this planet. Our internal oscillations, like the frequency ranges of our thoughts and cells, are all within that solar oscillation. The Earth’s formation and our existence here are aspects of its differentiation process. So, I am positing that some extremely long oscillation of awareness, individual and perhaps planetary, may be beginning a shift away from the arc of evolutionary differentiation, and toward re-collecting the differentiated and moving back toward the less differentiated in the direction of a Oneness. This idea does have me wonder if it is the manifestation of self-reflexive awareness that makes this shift in orientation possible. This would infer that the incipient form of this evolution in awareness was the continuing differentiation of living things, along with their complexification as some differentiated parts came together. It has me thinking that thoughts, and whatever developments that led to them, have accelerated the differentiating process while collections of the differentiated were giving birth to the kind of awareness that we now have in order to accelerate the motion toward re-union, via directed attention and intention. This conjectured motion appears to be further evolving in the direction of some kind of collective self-reflexive awareness. It seems to me that this is reflected in the rapid growth of the many spiritual and mystical movements that I have seen in my lifetime and, I’m sure, a multitude that I have not.

If this is the case, I think that it would be best if our attention is directed toward both the deliberate intention to become aware of, and to loosen the grip of, the machinations – some of which are mentioned above – that we have generated during our long evolutionary and enculturation process, and some bodily awareness practices to reveal how and where the associated sensing of these thought patterns manifest in our bodies so that they too may be loosened, giving way to more and more options to consciously make choices that lead in the direction that we are already going. This should accelerate the process, which appears to be what is intended by some trait of this neighborhood of the universe.

I will switch now to another experiential aspect to this, which initiated this whole thought process. Several months ago I became a hospice volunteer. This service is to provide the caregiver a couple of hours off, to run errands or just take a break. I have noticed that being with the dying, whether their memory allows them to be cognizant that they are dying or not, I can feel the presence of something that seems primordial. What struck me almost immediately was that it was undifferentiated – not oscillating – and just below whatever is being outwardly expressed. That space remains with me long after I leave. Indeed, it has not left me at all. It’s just the intensity that varies. I do sense that it is drawing me in and is also likely playing a part in these sensings that are now becoming visible in my experiencing. There is something very Earthy about it, which is, fortunately, grounding me in some way. I find this shifting into slower, thicker time-sense really fascinating, but also somewhat destabilizing at times. What I’m guessing is that the loss of some kind of experiential stabilizers makes me feel wobbly, but in the next moment I may be more surrounded by this less differentiated space. That brings me at least into the edges of a sense of being more complete, more whole. It’s the disconnected, free-floating interim state between the two that seems to be unnerving me.

What I am sensing as the undifferentiated here feels undisturbed, like being in the woods early on a warm, wet and foggy morning. It may well be one manifestation of what has been gravitationally drawing me in these many years. It does feel familiar. But given my observation that everything oscillates, it seems likely that the more I allow this space to inhabit me, the more quickly I will shift directions toward what I expect will be the lighter and more joyful end of this waveform, as some level of my awareness exits the trough and shifts upwards. As this occurs, the attraction of the crest’s energy will take over and draw me in its direction, as the gravitational force of the former loosens it grip with the increasing relative distance, as I am imagining it. On and on it goes, heading, I think, toward some form of interim re-Union. I am in no hurry, at least at this moment.

These insights present some new complications and it is not at all clear where those inquiries will lead. It could be that I am off base and it will fall apart, or that there is some pattern just too far outside my range at the moment. I’ll just have to wait, but I find the overall notion fascinating.